+PARODY+ the Graveyard Shift

The Graveyard shift


Narrator: Ah, The “Troll’s Head Tavern”. Gallowmere's premiere daytime eatery and bar. Where it will be closing time right about...


Zarok: [talks cheerfully as he switched the Open sign to Closed] Now! 8: 00! So long, suckers! I've got a hot date with a little lady, and her name is: [pulls out a picture of Flora] Flora Haddad! [The Mayor of Sleeping Village shows up at the door and knocks on it] What?


Mayor: Are you open?


Zarok: [points to sign] Read the sign.


Mayor: I'll have a slice of Pumpkin pie with buttercream icing, and a caramel cappuccino.


Zarok: No, you won't! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life.

Mayor: Well fine, if you don't want my money!


Al Zalam: [says cheerfully] MONEY?! [Sir Dan then falls from the ceiling on top of Zarok] You mean, if we stayed open later, you'd give us your money?


Mayor: [pulls out cash, Mrs. Mad, Mr. Mad, and Nellie Mad appear behind him] Sure!


Al Zalam: Zarok, [tears up the Closed sign] welcome to the night shift. From now on, the Troll’s head Tavern is open 24 hours a day.


Zarok: WHAT!? [crowd of people barge in cheering]


Canny Tim: Wow! Now we never have to stop working!


Zarok: Al Zalam…


Al Zalam: See ya in the morning, boys! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life. [leaves]


Zarok: Al!!


Canny Tim: Isn't this great Zarok?! Just you, me, and Captain Fortesque  together for hours and hours and hours and then the sun'll come up and it'll be tomorrow and we'll still be working! It'll be just like a sleepover!


Sir Daniel: Only we'll be sweaty and we'll be covered with grease! [jumps on cash register counter] Are you ready to rock, Scarecrow?!


Zarok: No.


Sir Daniel: Good! 'Cause we've got customers!


Zarok: [Lord Kardok walks up to counter; Zarok hands him a steel baseball bat] Here. Please hit me as hard as you can.


Canny Tim: Psst, Zarok! I'm working in the kitchen [laughs] at night!


Zarok: [takes hat off; leans head on counter] Don't hold back.


Canny Tim: [cuts to Canny Tim in kitchen] Hey Zarok! Guess what, I'm chopping lettuce..at night!

Sir Daniel: [cuts to Sir Daniel in the bathroom, cleaning] Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom...at night.

Canny Tim: [cuts to Canny Tim at the grill picking up spatula, misses the spatula and hits the grill; screams] I BURNED MY HAND!!...at night.


Sir Daniel and Canny Tim: [cuts to Canny Tim and Sir Daniel walking by the counter, singing to the tune of Charge] Night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, na-na-na-na-night! NIGHT!


Zarok: WILL YOU PLEASE?! Here, [hands them a bag of garbage] you two give me a moment's peace and take out the trash!


Sir Daniel: All right! [takes bag from Zarok] Taking out the trash. Taking out the trash...at night. [stops at the door with Canny Tim; they both look outside and see the dumpster just 5 meters way, it’s dark and eerie, they’re frightened by just looking at it]

Canny Tim: You mean outside?!


Zarok: That's where the dumpster is, yes.


Sir Daniel: I don't know, Zarok, [leans face against window] it's kinda dark out there.


Zarok: But I thought you liked the night shift.


Sir Daniel: You're right! [lifts bag over his head] For the Troll’s head Tavern! [He and Canny Tim run out of the building to the dumpster, screaming and panicking the whole way; they reenter the building panting heavily. confidently] Piece of cake!

Zarok: [makes an evil grin] So you're not afraid?


Sir Daniel: Pfft, nah.


Zarok: Well I am. And especially after, [looks around, gulps] well, you know.


Canny Tim: [turns around] What? What do we know?!


Zarok: You don't remember? He was all over the news!


Canny Tim and Sir Daniel: Tell us! Tell us!


Zarok: No, no, no, no, I probably shouldn't. It would ruin the night shift for you. [gives a sympathetic look, then smiles slyly]


Sir Daniel: [excitedly] What happened, what happened, what happened!?


Canny Tim: Yes, please tell us!


Zarok: You mean you two have never heard the story of the [thinks] "Hash-Slinging Slasher?"


Sir Daniel: [confused] The Slash-Bringing Hasher?


Zarok: The Hash-Slinging Slasher!


Canny Tim: The Sash-Ringing, the Trash-Singing, Mash-Flinging, The Flash-Stringing, Ringing, The Cr-Crash-Dinging, uhh…


Zarok: [annoyed] Yes. The Hash-Slinging Slasher. [suddenly, his voice turns dark and grim] But, most people just call him The Ha- [breaks into scream] because that's all they have time to say before he SMITES THEM!


Sir Daniel and Canny Tim: [begging] Tell us the story!


Zarok: Years ago at this very restaurant, the Hash-Slinging Slasher used to be a cook - just like you –[points to Canny Tim] only clumsier! And then, one night, when he was cutting the meat ...it happened.


Canny Tim: He forgot the marinate it?


Zarok: No.


Sir Daniel: [disgusted] He didn't wash his hands?


Zarok: No!


Canny Tim: Irregular portions?


Zarok: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake!!


Sir Daniel: You mean like this? [pulls one of his arms out of socket, another one grows back in its place, shocking Canny Tim and Zarok] Or like this? [pulls it again, another one grows back] Or this? [does it again] Or this? [does it again] But what about this? Or this, or this, or this.


Zarok: [interrupts] Except he wasn't a skeleton!


Sir Daniel: [ask with all his extra hands creating a rainbow-like line] So?


Zarok: SO IT DIDN'T GROW BACK!!


Sir Daniel: [screams] OH, NO! [all his extra arms lift their hands upwards and run away]


Zarok: And he replaced his hand with a rusty old axe. And then, he got hit by a bus! And..at his funeral, they fired him! So now, every...what day is it?


Canny Tim: Tuesday.


Zarok: Tuesday night, his ghost returns to The Troll’s head Tavern to wreak his horrible vengeance.


Canny Tim: [gasps in horror and grasps onto Sir Daniel’s arm] But tonight's Tuesday night!


Zarok: Then he'll be coming. [looks around, his voice getting more creepier]


Canny Tim: How will we know? [already trembling]


Zarok: There are three signs that signal the approach of the Hash-Slinging Slasher. First, the lights will flicker on and off. Next..


Woden: [interrupts] Hey, Scarecrow, I need some ketchup.


Zarok: Oh, here you go. [hands him ketchup] Next, the phone will ring and there will be nobody there. [shows Sir Daniel and Canny Tim shaking with fear] And finally, the Hash- Slinging Slasher arrives in the ghost of the bus that ran him over. [shows Canny Tim whimpering like a kicked puppy] Then he exits the bus and crosses the street without looking both ways because he's already dead! Then he taps on the window with his grizzly, bloody axe hand..


Sir Daniel: [practically squeezing Canny Tim as if he were a teddy bear] No!


Zarok: He opens the door [pushes his hand to Sir Daniel’s and Canny Tim's faces, making it looking like he's a door that's being opened; while doing this he imitates the sound of a squeaky door opening. Leans in close to them] He slowly approaches the counter!! ["counter" echoes menacingly] ...and you know what he does next?


Canny Tim: What?


Zarok: You really want to know?


Sir Daniel: What?


Zarok: Are you sure you want to know?


Sir Daniel and Canny Tim: WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DOES HE DO?!?!


Zarok: [sneaks up on Canny Tim and Sir Daniel, taps them] He gets ya! [Canny Tim now screams non-stop for about 20 seconds while Zarok is laughing] Tim... [screaming still goes on] guys, I wa... [screaming continues] I was ju... [Sir Daniel is screaming too] I was [screaming continues] FORTESQUE! CANNY TIM, I WAS JOKING!


Sir Daniel: Wait, what!?


Zarok: It's not true! None of it's true!


Canny Tim: It's not?


Zarok: Of course not. Nobody has an axe for a hand. It was all a joke.


Sir Daniel: Ohh, that makes sense! [He and Canny Tim laugh repeatedly like they did with screaming]

[cuts into later in the night. Shows Troll’s head Tavern with a big sign that says 'Open Forever']

[Zarok is shown at the counter reading a book on alchemy. He hears spooky noises and feels water dripping on him but he doesn't know what it is]

Sir Daniel: [on the ceiling wearing suction cups cleaning] Isn't this great, Zarok?
[Zarok gets startled] There's never time to wash the ceiling during the day.


Zarok: [says to himself] Open 24 hours a day. What a stupid idea! Who wants a beer or a pumpkin pie slice at three in the morning?!


[cuts to Karl Stungard's bedroom]
Karl: [Karl's alarm clock goes off] YES! Three A.M.! [whips out a large mug of beer and a plate with a pumpkin pie slice and starts to eat it, takes a swig of the beer] Ohhh yeah, that’s the good stuff!

[cuts back to The Troll’s head Tavern]


Zarok: Just look at this place. It's like a ghost town in here! [lights start to flicker on and off] Very funny, Tim.


Canny Tim: [exiting the kitchen wearing his white apron and cleaning gloves] What?


Zarok: "And the lights will flicker on and off." Just like the story. I get it. [realizes no one is flickering the light switch and looks shocked]

Sir Daniel: Um, Zarok? How are you doing that without moving the switch? Are you using spells again?


Zarok: I'm not doing it. It must be the stupid, faulty wiring in here. This place isn't built to run 24 hours a day! [phone rings, Zarok picks it up] What, what, hello? Hello? Hello?


Canny Tim: [walks up to the counter, crossing his arms] Nice try, Zarok.


Zarok: “Nice try”, what?


Sir Daniel: "The phone will ring and there will be no one there." [laughs hysterically] You crack me up.


Zarok: Fortesque, just because I have magic doesn’t mean I'm doing this. [hangs up phone] Oh no, calm down, calm down. All right, what was it? There was the lights, [lights flicker on and off] and the phone, [phone rings] and the walls will ooze green slime! [walls start to ooze green slime] Oh, wait. They always do that. But what was that third thing? [hears a motor, turns his head; a bus pulls up outside the tavern]


Canny Tim: [walks up to the counter] I didn't know the buses ran this late.


Zarok: They don't! [someone gets out of the bus and the bus pulls away, all Zarok, Sir Daniel, and Canny Tim can see is the spooky outline]


Canny Tim: Well they're dropping someone off. [from the outside, the mysterious person lifts up an axe]


Zarok: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [to the point where his hat falls off his head and his hair stands]  THE SASH-RINGING, FLASH-SINGING, THE FASH-PINGING...


Canny Tim: The Hash-Slinging Slasher! [starts to cry]


Zarok: At last you understand! We're doomed!


Canny Tim: No, that's not it. [wipes tear] I am just so touched that you would go through the trouble to dress up as a ghostly cook and stand on the other side of the street, just to entertain me! You must really like me! [cries again]


Sir Daniel: Tim, there are two problems with your theory. One –he hates us. And two - how can that be him when he’s standing right here!? [the figure taps on the door with the tip of the axe]


Sir Daniel and Canny Tim: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [to the point where his hat jumps up in mid-air and Daniel’s eyeball pops out]


Canny Tim, Sir Daniel, and Zarok: THE HASH-SLINGING SLASHER!!! [the figure walks in the door and up to the counter]


Zarok: guys, no matter what I've said, I've always sort of enjoyed your company!


Canny Tim: [crying] We’re sorry for doubting you, Zarok!


Sir Daniel: Zarok, I used your necromancer’s staff to unclog one of the toilets!


Zarok and Canny Tim: Huh? [the figure reaches the counter, removes the hoodie to reveal a woman with long hair; it’s Ameline]


Ameline: Can I have a job application? I called here earlier but I hung up 'cause I was nervous.


Canny Tim: [stops crying almost immediately and goes along as if nothing had happened]: Do you have references?

Sir Daniel: Why’re you carrying an axe, anyway?

Ameline: It gets really dangerous out at night so I needed something for defense.


Zarok: Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus, then who was flickering the lights? [lights flicker on and off; they look over to see Nosferatu]


Ameline, Canny Tim, Sir Daniel, and Zarok: Nosferatu!


Nosferatu: [smiles. light turns off]